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Kenbu
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Name: kenbu
Country: United States
Gender: Male
Interests: drawing,anime,basketball,music,baseball, soccer,manga,DDR,ITG,and rpg games. Full metal Alchemist fanatic, and Samurai Champloo fanatic. I'm also in to poetry.
Expertise: Martial Arts
Occupation: Student
Industry: Engineering
Message: message me
Member Since:
9/28/2005
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| It's been a while since my last entry. Had some ups and downs and trying to find ways to get by. I have to admit, I must be grateful for what I have, and I am. Then, there are those times where I have my regrets for making some dumb decisions. Of course, that is part of growing up and part of life. I can't just sit around and beat myself up for making a bad move. All I can do it move foward and learn. I'm just glad I had sometime to think and I have my goals down. I have to say, I feel much better. I said i didn't have much desire before, but that has changed. There are things I want and hope to accomplish and there are things I have a passion for. I realized how amazing something is when you do it because you love it, and you just keep going. It is truly a beautiful thing. | | |
| I wonder why some people can't mind there own business, and criticize me day after day. Apparently some people have nothing better in life, and stick their noses where it doesn't belong. I can't go one day without someone making and ignorant or stupid comment about something. One person told me " some people do it because they care, or worry." Yes, I understand that and I think that is good. "Why not worry about your own problems before you worry about someone else?" I didn't say it but that's what I was thinking. I realized I criticize too so I came up with a solution. If it is not necessary, then I won't do it. Think before speaking. If someone says something unnecessary to me, I won't say shut up because that will make things worse. So, I'll just say "good for you or them". Haha, it's funny how some people react to the truth and what they want to hear. Who said the truth would always make people feel better? It is what it is. I don't want to hear what everyone else wants to hear, I want the truth. Quiet frankly, I don't care what everyone else wants to hear.
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| It has been a while since my last entry, and I hardly go on facebook anymore. Realizing that sitting down in front of the computer is no different than being a couch potato, I have been using it less and less for entertainment and more for research, and doing something productive. I made it clear in my last entry that I would be more honest to myself which is something progressing with time. After the event yesterday a few questions came up. When has smiling become an obligation or mandatory? Just because I don't smile doesn't mean I am angry or sad. Why am I being pressured to do things I do not want to do? Yes, there are things I must do regardless of how I feel about it, but if it is not mandatory then I don't have to do it. NO MEANS NO(and not just in english). I have said no more hiding, and I meant it. Would people rather see someone pretending to feel or be something he or she is not? Apparently so, judging by how some people responded. I really thought have become more emotionless, but I haven't. I just don't feel that emotion I'm "supposed" to have at that moment. I will make a few things clear right now. I don't care if people love or hate me, that is their business. If people assume something about me, how I feel or what kind of person I am, then they are blind to their own ignorance. I will no longer prove or make someone understand, that is up to the individual. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I have readopted "the ends justify means" philosophy because I realize we live in a world of unfairness. Good or Evil you are bound to suffer. Reality doesn't differentiate between good and bad people.
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| Since the beginning of February things have been a struggle for me mentally. For the past 3 weeks, I have been lack sleep and suffering from psychological trauma, from my past experience. I admit I was depressed but I forced myself to smile and move on. The trauma became worse and I kept having instantaneous flashbacks. I realized I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and called an old friend, someone who I have known for so long and someone who has gone through the same thing I did in the past. We met up and talked and he exploited my greatest flaw. I keep my true emotions bottled in. I will confess, since 2006 I have been faking my smile when I was depressed or upset, mainly because I didn't want anyone to worry or think I'm causing problems, but I wasn't being true to myself. Like I told Simon and Billy, I don't smile the way I use to because I would be lying again. Thanks to an old friend, I have been revised, and if not for him, I would have gone the same path as my sister. I'm no longer the idealist I use to be, but I still believe there is good in people. The most important thing is honesty towards oneself. Not necessarily being fake but hiding what you feel is not a good thing at all. So, no more hiding.
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Sometimes I don't know why certain things happen. I am fully convinced that nothing is free and everything comes with a price. Trust, is something that can be received and earned through ones actions. One of the problematic situations is the amount of trust given to certain people. Anyone can betray me at anytime by being a fake, but if I trust no one I will be alone. Trusting someone truly is a gamble. So is everything else. So many people say life is unfair. Well, what do you expect life to be a living paradise where everything is the way you want it. Unfortunately that is fantasy. Yes, reality can be a cold hard slap to the face, but it is what it is. There is nothing no one can do about it but deal with it.
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